JF: Check, check one... I haven't said that in a long time.

KH: Oh, did you have to check the microphone on tour?

JF: Well, I just did because we never really had a monitor person so I would help out with that stuff. I like to keep myself busy when I'm down there and help the crew.

KH: Well since we're talking about this, Jackie, I seem to remember that...didn't you find out you had cancer when you were on tour?

JF: Yeah, completely. It was ridiculous. I basically had been touring for a million years and at one point I was like, oh what am I going to do next? Then I met up with the Datsons (pronounced Dat Suns) as they like to call themselves, and they were just the most amazing people, and I was like, I could tour for 3 or five more years. And I totally re-fell in love with touring.

KH: I remember that.

JF: Yeah, I got back into it, working with such great people and then I kept hurting my ribs. I kept snapping ribs and I had 5 days in between a US tour and European tour. I had an x-ray in the middle of the night straight from the airport. I was on Jet Blue and I sneezed and I broke my rib and went to the emergency room knowing there was nothing they could do for me. The radiologist said, "you have this weird thing and you should be tested for multiple myeloma." It was like five in the morning by then, and I had no idea what that was. So I just went to bed and called my doctor the next day.

I was white knuckling it for four days knowing it was a possibility, and those four days went by really slow. Every time the phone rang, the band said, "are you sure you can you do this?" I'm like, "I feel fine."

I got my answer in the car service on the way to JFK to go back to the tour. I got the call and they were like, "you have it." It seemed unreal.

I said, "I'm on my way to the airport," and they basically said go and have fun and when you come back we'll address it.

KH: And how long was the tour for?

JF: The tour was about 5 weeks. It was mostly festivals, so for a tour manager it was easier. And they'd play early.

The thing was, I really did feel fine. I was tired, but I always was tired on tour. I mean, I'm pushing 40. I'd always zonk out between tours. If I didn't break my rib that night, I might still not know. So yeah, it was in between tours and it sucked. I did make the most of that tour. I thought, I'm gonna have a good time more than ever, especially since it was a festival with less responsibility. And I was like parr-taee. I'm gonna meet as many cute guys as I can. Who knows when I'm going be back out here.

So that tour was probably one of the most fun tours I've had. I cried a few times but I was staying positive at that point and trying to live it up. But any time I'd call home, they'd be like, "Are you sure you should be out there?" I was like, I'm not calling home any more be the people around me see how I am, and the people at home are brinigng me down because they're concerned. But I did that tour and then I stopped.

KH: It sounds like the Datsons were super supportive. Did you have people you could talk to if you were all of a sudden like, 'oh my god, I'm freaking out'. Did you have mortality moments in the middle of the night in your hotel room?

JF: I did. I didn't have a lot of flip out moments, but even the members that I'm not as tight with, totally came around to me and for me. I felt like I had a family because I was so scared going into dealing with the cancer when I got back because I don't have a tight family. I had a few freak outs. The four of them and the crew were all total supportive and checking in with me. And if I was crying, they would take me through it, not just be like, 'you're gonna be OK'. And one of the guys in the Datsons had struggled with a disease when he was younger, so he was good to talk to. They were amazing to me.

I remember one melt down I had. I was watching The Flaming Lips. They are one of my favorite bands to watch on the side (of the stage). I started sobbing and I realized...all of a sudden it hit me...if I die, I'll never get to see The Flaming Lips play again...or any other bands I like...or my friends.

It was one of the only times on the tour. I left the stage and was in the bathroom crying, and some drunk English girl tried to cheer me up. But then, the Datsons came through for me in a real way.

But that was the only time I really freaked out. I realized how much it would suck to not be around, 'cuz a lot of time I was just like, 'I've had a really good life..when I go, I go'. So I had a really good support group.

KH: I was just thinking, I don't know how I could go on tour. But then as you were talking I started thinking about that whole idea. That must be a real way to keep on going.

I've done all these things and I've had all these great times. I've never had cancer, but I feel like everyone has fears of dying. That's always the thing that kind of saves me. Have you learned anything through cancer or feel like you've changed psychologically or changed spiritually? Kind of a big open-ended question. I'm not the best interviewer...

JF: No you're a great interviewer! When I first got diagnosed, I read every book about 'you just got diagnosed,' and so I was just reading and reading and reading, and trying to get my head around it. And I started getting really frustrated because most of the people who write theses books have happy endings...how they have this new appreciation for life, and how they found God, or whatever they found.

All I kept thinking to myself was that I don't want any big miracles. I just want to be like I used to be. So I tried things like meditation and yoga-things that are good for you anyway, but nothing clicked with me. I can't concentrate enough to meditate. I would love to be able to meditate a half hour a day because I'd probably be a better, happier person, but I don't have the concentration for it.

KH: I just think it's interesting to be a total multitasker. I think you and I have that in common. Also that we are always worried about everybody else in the room and if they're having a good time. I'm sort of interested in how that has met up with cancer.

When you were saying I got every book, that's what I do. Suicide around me, and have 10 books about suicide and I'm reading. I am immediately searching for information. I'm much more on the information tip than on the spiritual. And also I cannot meditate. And I think there are tons of people like that and there are other paths. And I think there are other things you can learn about your selves thru new experiences even if they're shitty.

JF: Yeah, I would definitely like to say that I really found a spiritual way to get me thru it. I would have to say, unfortunately not. I wish I had more success with that. I mean I've learned some stuff about myself. I've learned a lot about my other relationships.

I fought it and didn't into that 'something good's gonna come of this.' Nothing good's gonna come of this. What good is really gonna come of this?

KH: I'm wondering if a lot of positivity gets pushed on you, and ithe positivity thinking-has it helped or hindered?

JF: It has been pushed on me, but has probably also helped save my life. I'm not up at the Dalai Lama's house, but if I felt as hopeless as I do sometimes, all the time, I'd be in really bad shape. Especially in the beginning because it was so shocking, I had to stay positive and that was all part of wanting to maintain myself of who I was. Many times I sunk into a really low space and the only thing that can get you out of it is to be positive or be around positive people. It's weird because I grew up in this weird place where positivity was forced on you to the point where no matter how miserable you were, you had to have act as if you're happy. So as an adult, I'm like, 'the hell with that.' If I'm pissed, I'm pissed. It's hard to stay positive but I think it's probably of the most powerful things that have gotten me through it.

I'm not always positive and people don't know what to say all the time. They say to have a positive attitude and they totally mean well, and sometime it will snap me out of it. And I'm like, "you're right." If I just think I can be back to my old self, eventually I will be. And other times I'm like, "get out of my face." But positivity has been crucial.

KH: What kind of stuff has been your comforting thing? I have this thing on tour-this fancy lavender lotion stuff. I take a bath with it and light a Toca candle.

JF: I light a Toca candle on tour. I get a little 6 pack, bring a couple, and wrap 'em in a sock. A lot of smelly hotels do well with a Toca candle. And back stages. But at first I had to admit to myself that I need this. I need these certain comfort things.

KH: Have there been things around hospital that make you more comfortable?

JF: Yeah. Some are more big picture, like moving back to Manhattan was a huge comfort because I was really lonely. One of the biggest challenges I faced was the loneliness factor. I thought if I moved back to Manhattan, I don't have much of an excuse. I'm not bed ridden, I can pop out for a coffee, I don't have to get car service. And the day I decided to move back, I thought, I can't believe I left Manhattan.

With the hospital stuff, I bought the nicest robe on the rack. I also love flowers. I like to always have them. Just little things like that. I have my little routines of things I would do to make it feel l more like home.

KH: It's stuff that says you care about yourself. It's shitty that so many of those are products, and the only way we do care about ourselves a lot of times is through products. But hell, if that's what there is, then that's what there is.

You don't have to answer this and anytime you feel like, let's take 5... Any thoughts on sex and cancer?

LOOK FOR PART II NEXT MONTH


Jackie is a young vetran of the music industry, having worked at various labels, managed bands like the Lemonheads, the late Elliott Smith and Stereolab, and hosted her own cult classic cable access show.
After the ongoing effects of cancer treatment, mainly exhaustion and chemo-brain, Jackie's desire to get back on the road has been quashed and she is in dire financial straits. With the help of her musically inclined friends, she revved up "FUCK CANCER" which has since become an annual benefit concert featuring some of the most innovative line-ups of underground music today. For more about Jackie www.jackiefarry.com

Kathleen Hanna, the lead singer of Le Tigre and formerly of Bikini Kill, pioneered what has been labeled the "riot grrrl movement" of the early '90s. Recognizing blatant sexism around her throughout her collegiate days, she has publicly redefined feminism by taking on contentious issues of gender and sexuality which most fear to tread. A musical icon and inspiration to many musicians including Kurt Cobain, Joan Jett, Green Day, and Mike Watt, Hanna continues to be a pioneering musican and a social leader.